walking in a winter wonderland

greetings from sunny, mission, kansas! as you know, it’s been a while since my last post (one of the few comments lately has “kindly” suggested that mrs. mcdoer pick up the slack), and, as you can tell, it’s not exactly sunny and 75 here.

i hate the winter. in fact, i hate the holidays. when i last wrote, my topic was dealing with holiday stress. so far, it hasn't worked.

we did get off of work early today for the first “winter storm” of the year. to me, however, it meant nothing. i still had plenty of research and writing to do. and, to make matters worse, my 9 and ½ minute drive took 2 minutes short of an hour. what a day. the drive was pleasant enough though, watching cars slip and slide off the road and into snow-filled ravines.

as soon as i got home, i immediately began shoveling the driveway. as you’ve probably guessed, the cold weather has killed any chance i’ll ever power-walk again, so this, my friends, was no easy chore. still, i labored away, singing “that’s the sound of a man, working on a chain gaaaaaaaaang” until i could no longer feel my hands. if you notice the top left of the picture above (it’s kinda dark), our neighbor has a big truck with a snow plow. he pulled into his driveway while i was dying a slow, sad death, waived hello, and flicked his cigarette in my direction. he really is a good neighbor, though, he only wanted $29.95 to finish the job. needless to say, i kept shoveling.

there’s just something about the holidays that eats away at me. i tried decorating the house, i even tried listening to christmas music (“i saw mommy kissing santa claus”), to get me into the “holiday spirit.” it obviously didn’t work. the only thing i can think about is how many presents i have to buy this year. at last count, it’s well over 25. i really am going to have to be the asshole in-law who suggests drawing names.

we’ve got holiday parties out the whazoo, most, if not all, of our ******* christmas shopping left to do, and 3 to 4 christmases to attend (i really do lose count). i think i’m gonna lose it. i really do. and, to top it all off, the driveway that i finished shoveling just 3 hours ago is covered with a fresh new layer of snow.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

so now that i've been "outed" as an "obessive nutjob," i figure it's time to do something about my stress. and, since my gutters are clean and my magnets have been arranged, i'm going to start by "busting some holiday stress." with three families to visit, friends in town and hours to bill, i think it could do me some good.


according to familyeducation.com's article entitled "holiday stress-busters," there are 5 signs that you need to "bust your holiday stress": (1) you're irritable; (2) you're losing sleep; (3) you're losing or gaining weight; (4) you feel tense - with muscle aches or headaches; and (5) you feel overwhelmed. since i'm "always" irritable (according to my wife), i rarely sleep thru the nite, i'm rapidly gaining weight (it's been way too cold outside to power-walk) and my tooth always hurts, i could really use some advice. 4 out of 5's not too bad, is it?

familyeducation.com suggests the following tips:

Reassess and Prioritize - Holiday stress sets in when you try to do it all. "Stress is an emotional reaction to circumstances that you feel are out of control," says Vernon. "To cope, take some time out, rethink what's stressing you out, and look for alternatives." Vernon also advises changing your demands to preferences: Tell yourself, "If I have time, I'll do this and that. If not, I'll only do that."

i don't know who this vernon guy is, but this seems like good advice. my wife told me to clean the bathroom, and i told her "if i have time, i'll blog, eat cheetos AND clean the bathroom; if not, i'll only blog and eat cheetos." i feel better already, but my wife didn't like it too much.

Delegate! - Does the house need cleaning or decorating? Let each family member be responsible for a room. Or Vernon suggests, create a "job jar." Everybody takes a turn choosing what his or her job will be. Jobs can be color-coded according to age. "When you delegate, you have to make your expectations clear to your kids, and you may have to lower your standards a little bit," says Vernon.

i'm happy to say that i just got back from making a "job jar." my wife didn't understand it at first, so i color-coded it for her. she got brown since she has to clean the bathroom.

Don't Give in to the "Gimmes" - "I want, I want!" This familiar phrase can wear parents down over the holidays, but giving in to your child's every request can cause financial distress. Psychologist Dorothy Cantor says, "It's okay to tell your child that a gift is too expensive. Tell him that even Santa Claus has limited funds."

my wife and i don't have kids yet, but we're dinks and we too have wants. we want a bigger house, a trip to boston, a new car and a european vacation next year. therefore, i'm skipping this suggestion!

Be Realistic About Relatives - When the in-laws visit this season, have realistic expectations for the short term. "Don't try to solve past issues with family members over the holidays," warns Vernon. "It's not the time to bring up every little irritation. Use discretion." And if going to a certain relative's house every year causes a lot of stress, decide if you really need to do it. Maybe you can go every other year instead.

i read this article AFTER thanksgiving. i should've read it before. 19 hours and 3 turkey dinners later, i've had about as much family as i can handle. you'd be proud of me, though. i walked on egg shells all day long and didn't bring up any "past issues" with family members. i did, however, have to bite my tongue for a substantial majority of the holiday. my family, amazing as it is, has become dysfunctional than ever. next year, we're having a mcdoer thanksgiving with friends and friends only.

Flexibility Can Buy You Time - How can you get anything done when the little ones are home on vacation and you only have a few days off? University of Indiana education professor Janette Shaw suggests parents take turns looking after kids with neighbors or colleagues. And Vernon recommends hiring a babysitter to take the kids to the movies or to play with them for a few hours while you're working around the house.

again, vernon, we're childless, so this isn't the most appropriate advice. it is, however, difficult for me to get things done with my better half around. so tonite i'm dropping my wife off with neighbors or colleagues and going to the boats and the strip club with my brother. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Above all else, Vernon says parents should take it easy on themselves over the holidays: "This time of year, people are so concerned by what others might say about them if they don't do everything perfectly." Ask yourself what imperfection really means. Surprise! You're human — like everyone else.

i'm already feeling less stressed. i haven't thought about finances or lawnboys all day. that being said, though, i am perfect and i'm not human.

my bag of sorrows is filled with leaves

Jack has been so lackadaisical about his blog lately that I'm stepping in. Mainly cause I don't want to do the work I brought home, but also because I think people are starting to dislike him for it.

I might be telling you something you already know, but Jack has a tendency to obsess over things. Sometimes it's the big stuff like passing the bar and saving for the future, but more often than not he's obsessing over how the magnets are arranged on the fridge and whether my stack of papers on the desk is perpendicular to his suits hanging in the closet. Yeah, it doesn't make much sense. As of late, he obsesses over our house--are the storm windows on correctly? do our wood floors squeak more now than they used to? do the shutters need to be repainted again to prevent wood rot? do we need to bless the Indian burial ground beneath the foundation more often? etc.

We have gi-normous old trees in our yard, which at this time of year means lots of leaves everywhere. Which also means Jack's latest obsession--do we need to clean out the gutters every other weekend or should we do it every hour? One of the problems with his obsessions is that while it keeps me from living, it keeps Jack from sleeping (he recently told me that he had a "bad sleep summer" cause he spent most nights worrying about the guy who mows our lawn--specifically, was he fudging the number of times he'd mowed and was he cutting the grass too long? And when Jack called him every day to ask when was he going to mow the lawn next, did the guy really return his calls in a timely manner?).

So he woke me up at 5:45 a.m. today saying, "Do you hear the rain? Two days in a row now, that's bad news for us." I was all, "um, I'm tired." He said, "Do you not realize that our gutters are overflowing with leaves? If it rains anymore, the water won't be able to drain off the roof, and we'll have to replace it. Do you want that to happen?" I was all, "um, I'm tired, shut up."

Once I was more awake, I tried to calm him down. I said we'd clean the gutters again this weeked, and I'm sure our roof can hold out four more days. When that didn't help, I tried to get him to talk about what his day looked like and how busy we both were. When that didn't work, I just made shit up. "Don't you realize that the winter solstice means that there's a stronger magnetic pull toward the core of the earth, so gravity is stronger? That means that the water will be forced down the gutters, despite the leaves. Don't you know that? That's part of why we picked this area to live in."

So if you're looking for us this weekend, I'll be outside cleaning the gutters while Jack's arranging the magnets on the fridge.

give me the gas, f-bombs in the morning, and other ramblings from the past few weeks

sorry it's been so long. i could rattle off a list a mile long of excuses, but i'm sure you don't wanna hear em. the truth is i've been a bad blogger. i'll be the first to admit it. i figured, at worst, i could pull off one, maybe two, posts a week. never did i think my wife would have to step into my shoes and resuscitate iwannabeyourblog from a slow, sad internet death. i'm happy to say, though, that i'm back. and while i'm certainly grateful for what my wife did, i'd like to set the record straight on a few matters. yes, i'm a money-nazi and the gutters have kept me up a nite or two, but i prefer to consider myself a "realist" or a "detail-oriented person," rather than an obsessive nutjob. with that being said, i have no real topic for this post. i do, however, have plenty of things to say. so to kickstart iwannabeyourblog, here's a few things that have been on my mind. call it jackmdoer's greatest hits: October 27 to November 16, 2005. i'll try to tie them together somehow ...

give me the gas - i don't wanna jinx it, but it looks like the never-ending root canal may actually be over. i plopped into my dentist's chair the other day, not really knowing what to expect. i had a list of questons lined up. i had real concerns. before i had a chance to launch into my cross-examination, though, he asked me if i wanted the gas, and i didn't even hesistate. not for a second. the next thing i knew, i had some sort of contraption over my nose and the world was a much, much better place. no leaves, no gutters, no finances. i felt like i was flying. i wanted to dance to the elevator music blaring overhead, but i couldn't even move my hands. he asked me how i was doing, and i told him "rico suave." as he drilled into my tooth, the only thought running through my head was that i didn't want this to ever stop. in those forty-five minutes, i solved all of my problems. everything made perfect sense. i could hear the birds singing "halleluah" and i was swimming in a sea of gummy bears. the feeling ended, however, as quickly as it began. when the dentist finished doing whatever it is that he did, i didn't want to go. i grabbed at the mask and took as my deep breaths of happy gas as i could. the dentist and two hygienists had to pull me away. they called security and ushered me to the front desk to pay and i just handed them my checkbook. i couldn't stop laughing. i got into my car, and i kept thinking that it was a time machine. it's a wonder i made it back to work, but i did. the gas quickly wore off and my tooth is feeling great, but i can't stop thinking that i'd do it all over again just for another puff of that sweet gas. it really makes everything better. everything.

f-bombs in the morning - i don't know what's gotten into me, but i can't stop cussing in the morning. it can't be a good sign. "f*** this," "f*** that," "i don't give a "f***," "i don't wanna "f****** get up," "f*** me," "i hate my f******* life." i'm sure it has something to do with a lack of cheetos in the morning, but i don't wanna get back into that bad habit. any suggestions? and no, gas isn't a realistic solution.

to the kids that took all of my halloween candy - "f*** you." i know, i know, i shouldn't be cussing, but they stole my most prized possession in the world. it's amazing that i'm even functioning without it. my wife and i had other plans for halloween, but still feeling bad about the tit-tac mishap of halloween 2003, i decided to buy a bunch of candy and set it out in my popcorn bowl on our front steps. big mistake. my note to "only take a few, so everyone can have candy" clearly didn't work. not only were all of the kit-kats, blowpops and reece's cups gone, so was my popcorn bowl. who does that? what kind of foul-mouthed "f****** brat" would take all the candy AND the popcorn bowl that means so much to me? "f*** em." never will i pass out candy again. it's pencils and floss from here on out.

it's not the end of the world - it's been a long few weeks, and i wasn't in a particularly good mood monday nite as i sat down on the couch to watch tv all alone. my wife was working late, i didn't even have my favorite popcorn bowl to keep me company, and i was still trying to fend off those horrible gas cravings. so i settled for some campbell's chunky soup and waited for the very last episode of laguna beach to come one. the monday nite football game was a yawner, but it really didn't matter. i couldn't stop thinking that the end was coming. what would i do after kristin, jessica and the gang graduated? the music finally kicked in, "everything's perfect, blah, blah, blah, perfect," and jason, alex m. and l.c. all cried and said their goodbyes as they left, one by one, for college. what great memories they had! i won't lie and tell you that the show finale was great, because it wasn't. maybe iwas just bitter that they were leaving me? as the credits began to roll, though, i wiped the tears out of my eyes and stared blankly at the screen. what was i going to do? when would things start going my way? just as i had given up all hope and headed towards the sink to do the dishes and make lunches, the mtv announcers said that they had "a big surprise." i rushed back to the couch and bit at my fingernails. as soon as they came back from commercial, some carson daly-wannabe declared that "laguna beach, season 3: the next generation" would be airing next fall. and, and, and, even better, they were creating a new show, a spin-off if you will, called "the hills," which follows l.c. all around l.a.! "f*** yeah."