maybe all i need is a shot in the arm

as i read thru the fifteen pages of fine print that greeted me when i stumbled into my office on monday morning, i started wondering whether i should really go thru with it. is the flu really that bad? a vacation day or two would be nice, even with a fever (usually high), a headache, extreme tiredness, a dry cough, a sore throat, a runny or stuffy nose, muscle aches and stomach symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. there's nothing a bottle of ginger ale, a bag of cheetos and a bunch of laguna beach re-runs can't cure. still, i read on. my employer was paying for it, why pass up a free shot in the arm? i certainly didn't qualify as one who shouldn't get a flu shot: i don't have a severe allergy to chicken eggs (at least i think i don't); i don't remember ever developing Guillain-Barre syndrome after getting a shot; and, contrary to what my wife says, i'm not a small child. what the hell, i thought, why not? i signed the dotted line and signed up for the coveted 2:12 p.m. influenza vaccination time slot. then i threw the brochure and materials aside, dove into my morning work and daydreamed the afternoon away, completely forgetting about the big needle with my name on it. the next thing i knew, however, my name came booming across the intercom: "jack mcdoer, jack mcdoer, report to the north conference room immediately to meet your maker." my hands started sweating, as did every other part of my body ... on rare occasions, flu vaccination can cause serious problems, such as severe allergic reactions ... i started pacing the hallways ... as of July 1, 2005, people who think that they have been injured by the flu shot can file a claim for compensation from the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (VICP) ... why had i signed that damned waiver? why had i signed up to die? the receptionist found me huddled in a corner of the file room and drug me down the long, dark corridor toward the north conference room. as i moved closer and closer to my impending death, i told myself to think happy thoughts ... the flu is a contagious respiratory illness caused by influenza viruses. it can cause mild to severe illness, and at times can lead to death. the best way to prevent this illness is by getting a flu vaccination each fall ... it didn't help, but i still tried ... complications of flu can include bacterial pneumonia, dehydration, and worsening of chronic medical conditions, such as congestive heart failure, asthma, or diabetes. children may get sinus problems and ear infections ... my knees were bleeding from the carpet burns as the receptionist propped me in a chair. i tried to avoid eye contact with the nurse who would be killing me by lethal injection in a matter of minutes. i tried to joke with her while she rolled up the sleeve of my right arm. i asked her if this shot protected me from the avarian flu. i questioned whether i should really be getting this shot if i was pregnant with twins. she ignored me, however, and gave me a swift, violent stick in the arm. i collapsed in my chair. i shuddered and convulsed. i yelled and screamed about the revolution and told those in line that i liked to dress up as a bunny rabbit. a funny thing occurred to me, though, and it happened all of a sudden. i didn't feel that bad. the nurse gave me a cute band-aid and i walked out of the north conference room of my own accord. i didn't want her to think what she had done to me was ok, so i told her that i couldn't see out of my right eye and asked her if she also smelled the bacon and sausage. still, as i creeped back to my office, i figured i'd drop dead at any time. maybe 3, 3:15. but no, nothing happened. i made it home and was able to watch a new episode of laguna beach that night. i even got to eat a bag of cheetos the next morning for breakfast. what a blessing, i thought. and now, here i am, three days later, and not only am i not dead, i don't have soreness, redness, or swelling where the shot was given (although i'm too scared to take my band-aid off), a fever or aches. hell, there's even a good chance that i won't get the flu this year. now if i can only find a shot in the arm that prevents me from: skipping power-walking and eating popcorn instead; hearing my wife complain; getting jealous about the size of my house; changing moods at the drop of a hat; thinking that farting at inappropriate times is still funny; and having to pay for wood root, tree trims, busted washers and dryers and other assorted household problems, the world would be really, really great place to live in.

if you didn't laugh, you'd cry

sorry it's been such a long time. a bad case of writer's block has cast its dark shadows over this very blog. it's not that i don't have things to say, though, it's just that i shouldn't say them. but i can't keep on feeling sorry for myself forever. the blog, as they say, must go on. rather than writing a juicy, tell-all post, though, i'm going to write about all the half-baked ideas that nearly came to fruition during this, my first creative dry spell. maybe i was too tired and depressed to see them thru, maybe my mind was in other places, or maybe they weren't up to iwannabeyourblog's standards of excellence. i'll let you be the judge ...

highway to the danger zone - how come every pair of sunglasses makes me look like i'm in top gun? my wife, after her 5,000th warning about crow's eyes and cataracts, finally convinced me that i needed em, but there i was, alone in sunglasses hell, having to decide whether i looked better as maverick, ice man or the goose. i've done a lot of things for love, i no longer wear white socks and even wear a watch, but c'mon, i drive a honda accord, not a F14 tomcat ...

please tell my brother - as we settled into our seats at arrowhead stadium for the ku-ou football game, my eyes couldn't help but wander over to the college kid sitting next to me. yes, he was 6 feet tall, had dark hair and wore an ou t-shirt, but other than that, he looked exactly like my little brother. he had the same profile, the same features, made the same facial expressions, hell, he even talked the same. i couldn't believe it. nor could my wife or friends. so i did what any big brother would do when he saw a kid that looked exactly like his little brother and quickly struck up a conversation. hugs were had and photos were snapped, it was like a family reunion. since the game was over before it started, i spent most of the first quarter trying to convince him to tell my wife that he was born on the same day as my little brother and that he didn't know who his real father was. he eventually did, and my wife was drunk enough to buy it. i even got him to make fun of my friend, just like a good little brother. i started to think his friends were getting annoyed with me, so i told them that the reason i was acting this way was that my little brother had died two months ago. i laughed half of a second later, but it ended any real chance i had at getting him to come scare my parents ...

(editor's note - this is where the well really dries up)

postcards from a bathroom stall in a gas station/fireworks supercenter on i-70 somewhere west of boonville, missouri - i didn't think things could get any worse than having to watch the mu tigers, my school's biggest rivals, play an entire game of football. i was wrong. thirty minutes in to my two and a half hour ride in the rain back to kansas city, my dad was panicking about running out of gas and i was praying in the back seat that he'd find a gas station for an entirely different reason. we both let out a collective sigh of relief, however, when we saw what appeared to be a gas station/fireworks supercenter at the next exit. although i'd never seen one before, i thought to myself what a great idea it really was. man, was i wrong again. i should've known that a place that sells cheetos and saturn missiles wouldn't have the cleanest of bathrooms. now i've tried to uphold the journalistic integrity of iwannabeyourblog for quite some time, vowing never to resort to potty humor, but i am suffering thru a major bout with writer's block, and when i walked into the stall, i knew i had the subject for my next post ...

phantasies - move on over, carl. watch the door on your way out, allard. when it comes to fantasy football, i'm the GM. yes, i haven't won in a few years. yes, i lost over $200 last season. but ...

and there you go. that right there, friends, is the reason for no post in two weeks. maybe you wish i would've waited a little longer. maybe you wish i'd never write again. i, however, feel much better. i got it out of my system and i'm writing again.

sausage fest

my wife turned 26, so i did what all good husbands do and threw her a party. and no, she didn't just invite guys. my latest post is entitled "sausage fest" since my wife, for whatever reason, wanted to have a bacon and sausage themed party. maybe she really is getting old and senile, i don't know, but the party is the reason for the lack of activity on iwannabeyourblog. i'm still recovering. i'm not 26 anymore.

the bacon and sausage themed party, however, was a smashing success. my wife's dad prepared several bacon and sausage themed appetizers: sausage and pepper skewers; chorizo and apple skewers; goat cheese and bacon dip; bacon-wrapped shrimp; bacon-wrapped dates; goat cheese, spinach and bacon pinwheels; etc. my wife's sister showed up with a pig's foot, and some guests even showed up dressed as pirates. i'm not real sure why, but we went with it.

there was also a highly-anticipated ping pong tournament. emotions ran high. controversy swirled around my wife and i's automatic bye to the championship round, so we filled in for a team that didn't show.

needless to say, we kicked ass and took names.

there wasn't just bacon, sausage and ping pong, however. there was plenty of drinking and debauchery.

and dancing. lots and lots of dancing. salsa dancing,

michael jackson dancing (bad, thriller, man in the mirror, dirty diana, you name it),

and drunken dancing.

some of us wanted them to stop dancing,

but they kept going ... and going ... and going ...

my wife was having so much fun she raised the roof,

and one of our friends was kind enough, and drunk enough, to put all of his trips to the strip clubs to use, teaching all the women how to give lap dances, for which i am eternally grateful.

the party finally ended at 4 am. i think it went on til then just so that we could prove to ourselves that we weren't that old. i didn't feel too young the next morning, however, cleaning up all the sausage that was lying around. my wife had "her best birthday ever" though, and that made it all worth it. beat that, sweet sixteen.

things are as bad as they seem

sorry it's been a while. power-walking and blogging just don't go that well together. i'm trying to make time for both, though, so don't you worry. i wish i could tell you that i am just shedding the pounds, but it'd be a lie. it's a slow process. my pants, however, don't feel so tight after a trip to the godfather's lunch buffet. and that's at least a start, right?


this week, well the past several weeks, haven't been that great, hence the picture of a shark eating a man and his helicopter. there's a tree that needs to be trimmed and internal resorption that must be stopped, my wife's depressed about turning 26, and the shirt and tie ensemble i was so proud to wear yesterday got me nothing but obscene circus comments and partners in my office making ice cream truck sounds.

so i did what all tired and depressed young men do, i called my mom. her advice was to start a "grateful list." each day, i'm supposed to list 10 new things that i'm grateful for. now don't worry, i'm not gonna start blogging my damn grateful list for you to read every day. this is probably the one and only grateful list i'll ever actually write, but since i'm so down in the dumps, here are 10 things i'm grateful for today:

1) kruncheze. they're like cheetos, only cheaper. you can get a great big bag of em for 99 cents at hyvee.

2) other people's kids. i've got a nephew and a niece, and i have another set on the way this winter. some of my friends have em too. don't think i'm getting all soft on you, you know why i like em, you can see em for an hour or two, play with em, laugh with em, watch em be kids, but when all the screaming and crying and pooping starts, you can walk right out the door. no sleepless nites, no kids songs, and no soccer games. you get lotsa benefits without lotsa work. when else does that happen? the other nite, my wife and i went over to a friend's house for some barbecuing and kid time. he's got 3 of em, including a newborn. i figured it'd kill any urge my wife might have for at least 3 months (that's a good rule of thumb, 1 kid, 1 month longer my wife won't wanna have em). anyway, we're all huddled around the dinner table, and his middle child, a little 2-year-old girl, wasn't eating her food. everyone, including me, was asking her why she wasn't eating, and she got this look on her face, a very mischievous look, and said that her brother, the newborn, "eats mom's boob for dinner." i don't know where it came from or why she said it, but i haven't stopped laughing about it since.

3) the fact that i don't have kids of my own. we go out both nites of the weekend, way past our bed time. we go out on weekdays. we see concerts, football games, movies. we do whatever we want. and spoil ourselves rotten. when we wanna see kids, we don't have to go far.

4) gummi bears. bouncing here & there & everywhere. only by themselves, though. we have some good friends who order them in their ice cream. it's embarassing. "vanilla with gummi bears, please." "double chocolate almond fudge with gummi bears, sir." these are grown adults. it wierds me out.

5) tv shows. desperate housewives, gray's anatomy, curb your enthusiasm, laguna beach, my name is earl, the office, real world - austin, the apprentice. they get me through the week.

6) my wife. she still makes me laugh. and she's very, very cute.

7) buying cds. i bought 7, yes 7, of em this week. fiona apple, extraordinary machine; my morning jacket, z; franz ferdinaaaand, you could have it better; neil young, prairie wind; ryan adams, jacksonville city nights; wolf parade, apologies to queen mary; and wilco, a ghost is born.

8) movie popcorn. even if i can only get a medium now.

9) my new dentist. what a difference. i never knew it could be like this. i walked into the office and everyone, including the receptionist, the hygienist and my new dentist, knew my name, what i did for a living, and what my long-term dental goals were. (yes, i filled out an application, but they took the time to learn it). it's like the cheers of dentistry.

10) that fact that i'm done with this damn grateful list.