maybe all i need is a shot in the arm

as i read thru the fifteen pages of fine print that greeted me when i stumbled into my office on monday morning, i started wondering whether i should really go thru with it. is the flu really that bad? a vacation day or two would be nice, even with a fever (usually high), a headache, extreme tiredness, a dry cough, a sore throat, a runny or stuffy nose, muscle aches and stomach symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. there's nothing a bottle of ginger ale, a bag of cheetos and a bunch of laguna beach re-runs can't cure. still, i read on. my employer was paying for it, why pass up a free shot in the arm? i certainly didn't qualify as one who shouldn't get a flu shot: i don't have a severe allergy to chicken eggs (at least i think i don't); i don't remember ever developing Guillain-Barre syndrome after getting a shot; and, contrary to what my wife says, i'm not a small child. what the hell, i thought, why not? i signed the dotted line and signed up for the coveted 2:12 p.m. influenza vaccination time slot. then i threw the brochure and materials aside, dove into my morning work and daydreamed the afternoon away, completely forgetting about the big needle with my name on it. the next thing i knew, however, my name came booming across the intercom: "jack mcdoer, jack mcdoer, report to the north conference room immediately to meet your maker." my hands started sweating, as did every other part of my body ... on rare occasions, flu vaccination can cause serious problems, such as severe allergic reactions ... i started pacing the hallways ... as of July 1, 2005, people who think that they have been injured by the flu shot can file a claim for compensation from the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (VICP) ... why had i signed that damned waiver? why had i signed up to die? the receptionist found me huddled in a corner of the file room and drug me down the long, dark corridor toward the north conference room. as i moved closer and closer to my impending death, i told myself to think happy thoughts ... the flu is a contagious respiratory illness caused by influenza viruses. it can cause mild to severe illness, and at times can lead to death. the best way to prevent this illness is by getting a flu vaccination each fall ... it didn't help, but i still tried ... complications of flu can include bacterial pneumonia, dehydration, and worsening of chronic medical conditions, such as congestive heart failure, asthma, or diabetes. children may get sinus problems and ear infections ... my knees were bleeding from the carpet burns as the receptionist propped me in a chair. i tried to avoid eye contact with the nurse who would be killing me by lethal injection in a matter of minutes. i tried to joke with her while she rolled up the sleeve of my right arm. i asked her if this shot protected me from the avarian flu. i questioned whether i should really be getting this shot if i was pregnant with twins. she ignored me, however, and gave me a swift, violent stick in the arm. i collapsed in my chair. i shuddered and convulsed. i yelled and screamed about the revolution and told those in line that i liked to dress up as a bunny rabbit. a funny thing occurred to me, though, and it happened all of a sudden. i didn't feel that bad. the nurse gave me a cute band-aid and i walked out of the north conference room of my own accord. i didn't want her to think what she had done to me was ok, so i told her that i couldn't see out of my right eye and asked her if she also smelled the bacon and sausage. still, as i creeped back to my office, i figured i'd drop dead at any time. maybe 3, 3:15. but no, nothing happened. i made it home and was able to watch a new episode of laguna beach that night. i even got to eat a bag of cheetos the next morning for breakfast. what a blessing, i thought. and now, here i am, three days later, and not only am i not dead, i don't have soreness, redness, or swelling where the shot was given (although i'm too scared to take my band-aid off), a fever or aches. hell, there's even a good chance that i won't get the flu this year. now if i can only find a shot in the arm that prevents me from: skipping power-walking and eating popcorn instead; hearing my wife complain; getting jealous about the size of my house; changing moods at the drop of a hat; thinking that farting at inappropriate times is still funny; and having to pay for wood root, tree trims, busted washers and dryers and other assorted household problems, the world would be really, really great place to live in.