give me the gas, f-bombs in the morning, and other ramblings from the past few weeks

sorry it's been so long. i could rattle off a list a mile long of excuses, but i'm sure you don't wanna hear em. the truth is i've been a bad blogger. i'll be the first to admit it. i figured, at worst, i could pull off one, maybe two, posts a week. never did i think my wife would have to step into my shoes and resuscitate iwannabeyourblog from a slow, sad internet death. i'm happy to say, though, that i'm back. and while i'm certainly grateful for what my wife did, i'd like to set the record straight on a few matters. yes, i'm a money-nazi and the gutters have kept me up a nite or two, but i prefer to consider myself a "realist" or a "detail-oriented person," rather than an obsessive nutjob. with that being said, i have no real topic for this post. i do, however, have plenty of things to say. so to kickstart iwannabeyourblog, here's a few things that have been on my mind. call it jackmdoer's greatest hits: October 27 to November 16, 2005. i'll try to tie them together somehow ...

give me the gas - i don't wanna jinx it, but it looks like the never-ending root canal may actually be over. i plopped into my dentist's chair the other day, not really knowing what to expect. i had a list of questons lined up. i had real concerns. before i had a chance to launch into my cross-examination, though, he asked me if i wanted the gas, and i didn't even hesistate. not for a second. the next thing i knew, i had some sort of contraption over my nose and the world was a much, much better place. no leaves, no gutters, no finances. i felt like i was flying. i wanted to dance to the elevator music blaring overhead, but i couldn't even move my hands. he asked me how i was doing, and i told him "rico suave." as he drilled into my tooth, the only thought running through my head was that i didn't want this to ever stop. in those forty-five minutes, i solved all of my problems. everything made perfect sense. i could hear the birds singing "halleluah" and i was swimming in a sea of gummy bears. the feeling ended, however, as quickly as it began. when the dentist finished doing whatever it is that he did, i didn't want to go. i grabbed at the mask and took as my deep breaths of happy gas as i could. the dentist and two hygienists had to pull me away. they called security and ushered me to the front desk to pay and i just handed them my checkbook. i couldn't stop laughing. i got into my car, and i kept thinking that it was a time machine. it's a wonder i made it back to work, but i did. the gas quickly wore off and my tooth is feeling great, but i can't stop thinking that i'd do it all over again just for another puff of that sweet gas. it really makes everything better. everything.

f-bombs in the morning - i don't know what's gotten into me, but i can't stop cussing in the morning. it can't be a good sign. "f*** this," "f*** that," "i don't give a "f***," "i don't wanna "f****** get up," "f*** me," "i hate my f******* life." i'm sure it has something to do with a lack of cheetos in the morning, but i don't wanna get back into that bad habit. any suggestions? and no, gas isn't a realistic solution.

to the kids that took all of my halloween candy - "f*** you." i know, i know, i shouldn't be cussing, but they stole my most prized possession in the world. it's amazing that i'm even functioning without it. my wife and i had other plans for halloween, but still feeling bad about the tit-tac mishap of halloween 2003, i decided to buy a bunch of candy and set it out in my popcorn bowl on our front steps. big mistake. my note to "only take a few, so everyone can have candy" clearly didn't work. not only were all of the kit-kats, blowpops and reece's cups gone, so was my popcorn bowl. who does that? what kind of foul-mouthed "f****** brat" would take all the candy AND the popcorn bowl that means so much to me? "f*** em." never will i pass out candy again. it's pencils and floss from here on out.

it's not the end of the world - it's been a long few weeks, and i wasn't in a particularly good mood monday nite as i sat down on the couch to watch tv all alone. my wife was working late, i didn't even have my favorite popcorn bowl to keep me company, and i was still trying to fend off those horrible gas cravings. so i settled for some campbell's chunky soup and waited for the very last episode of laguna beach to come one. the monday nite football game was a yawner, but it really didn't matter. i couldn't stop thinking that the end was coming. what would i do after kristin, jessica and the gang graduated? the music finally kicked in, "everything's perfect, blah, blah, blah, perfect," and jason, alex m. and l.c. all cried and said their goodbyes as they left, one by one, for college. what great memories they had! i won't lie and tell you that the show finale was great, because it wasn't. maybe iwas just bitter that they were leaving me? as the credits began to roll, though, i wiped the tears out of my eyes and stared blankly at the screen. what was i going to do? when would things start going my way? just as i had given up all hope and headed towards the sink to do the dishes and make lunches, the mtv announcers said that they had "a big surprise." i rushed back to the couch and bit at my fingernails. as soon as they came back from commercial, some carson daly-wannabe declared that "laguna beach, season 3: the next generation" would be airing next fall. and, and, and, even better, they were creating a new show, a spin-off if you will, called "the hills," which follows l.c. all around l.a.! "f*** yeah."