jack mcdoer's best of 2005

drum roll, please ...

top 10 records of 2005

1 - marah - if you didn't laugh you'd cry - what rock n' roll is truly meant to be.

2 - okkervil river - black sheep boy - a stunning concept album about being the black sheep of the family.

3 - white stripes - get behind me satan - maybe their best yet.

4 - wolf parade - apologies to queen mary - lives up to the hype.

5 - fiona apple - extraordinary machine - worth the wait.

6 - son volt - okemah and the melody of riot - jay turns up the amps and gets political.

7 - portastic - bright ideas - the next best thing to superchunk.

8 - robbie fulks - georgia hard - robbie goes 70's country.

9 - new pornographers - twin cinema - neko does it again.

10 - josh rouse - nashville - intelligent pop.

top 10 songs of 2005

1 - wolf parade - apologies to queen mary - you are a runner and i am my father's son

2 - lucero - nobody's darlings - last night in town

3 - white stripes - get behind me satan - my doorbell

4 - new pornographers - twin cinema - twin cinema

5 - silver jews - tanglewood numbers - how can i love you if you won't lie down?

6 - portastic - bright ideas - i wanna know girls

7 - son volt - okemah and the melody of riot - atmosphere

8 - spoon - gimme fiction - the two sides of monsieur valentine

9 - ryan adams and the cardinals - jacksonville city nights - a kiss before i go

10 - fiona apple - extraordinary machine - extraordinary machine

top 5 movies of 2005 (i haven't seen king kong yet)

1 - walk the line

2 - the 40-year-old virgin

3 - crash

4 - a history of violence

5 - munich

top 5 tv shows of 2005

1 - the office

2 - curb your enthusiasm

3 - laguna beach

4 - real world - austin

5 - grey's anatomy

scared of santa

these pictures from the chicago tribune's "scared of santa" series make me laugh ...

there's serial killer santa. he makes billy bob thornton's bad santa look like an angel ...

there's the look this kid's giving santa. i don't think he truly believes ...

there's one-eyed willie santa. that kid looks genuinely scared ....

and then there's paper mache santa. he looks like he's straight outta eyes wide shut, and i for one wouldn't sit on his lap ...

merry christmas,

jack mcdoer

two girls for every boy

greetings from a warmer, and for that matter, a happier, mission, kansas! i realized this week, after getting some “negative feedback” from my readers (there’s not many of em), that my posts have been a little down in the dumps lately. life’s not that bad, jack mcdoer! chin up, charlie! no one wants to read one sad, sorry excuse for a post after another.

it’s christmas time! it’s a time for giving. it’s a time for friends and family. there’s christmas trees, christmas presents, christmas parties, christmas chocolates, christmas cookies, hell, the local radio’s already playing christmas music twenty-four hours a day!

babies! everyone’s having em! my friend, leah, just had one. my sister-in-law’s having one this week. my step-sister’s having one in a matter of months. my friends, heather and al, are expecting baby number two. and my best friend from high school, jim (and his wife), just got preggers. i, however, am sticking to my guns!

i-pods! i’m getting one (if best buy or any other store in the metro area ever gets em back in stock). sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!

and, to top if all off, three-somes! i just had me one this weekend! amaaaaaaazing!

just kidding! we got back from a particularly fun christmas party this saturday around 4 am and everyone wanted to crawl into our king-sized bed. i, being the opportunistic type, immediately ran and got my camera to get a picture for iwannabeyourblog since it’s the first time i’ve ever had two girls in my bed at the same time.

wait, i take that back. it’s the first time i’ve had two girls in my bed at the same time since my playa dayz in college!

happy holidays,

jack mcdoer

walking in a winter wonderland

greetings from sunny, mission, kansas! as you know, it’s been a while since my last post (one of the few comments lately has “kindly” suggested that mrs. mcdoer pick up the slack), and, as you can tell, it’s not exactly sunny and 75 here.

i hate the winter. in fact, i hate the holidays. when i last wrote, my topic was dealing with holiday stress. so far, it hasn't worked.

we did get off of work early today for the first “winter storm” of the year. to me, however, it meant nothing. i still had plenty of research and writing to do. and, to make matters worse, my 9 and ½ minute drive took 2 minutes short of an hour. what a day. the drive was pleasant enough though, watching cars slip and slide off the road and into snow-filled ravines.

as soon as i got home, i immediately began shoveling the driveway. as you’ve probably guessed, the cold weather has killed any chance i’ll ever power-walk again, so this, my friends, was no easy chore. still, i labored away, singing “that’s the sound of a man, working on a chain gaaaaaaaaang” until i could no longer feel my hands. if you notice the top left of the picture above (it’s kinda dark), our neighbor has a big truck with a snow plow. he pulled into his driveway while i was dying a slow, sad death, waived hello, and flicked his cigarette in my direction. he really is a good neighbor, though, he only wanted $29.95 to finish the job. needless to say, i kept shoveling.

there’s just something about the holidays that eats away at me. i tried decorating the house, i even tried listening to christmas music (“i saw mommy kissing santa claus”), to get me into the “holiday spirit.” it obviously didn’t work. the only thing i can think about is how many presents i have to buy this year. at last count, it’s well over 25. i really am going to have to be the asshole in-law who suggests drawing names.

we’ve got holiday parties out the whazoo, most, if not all, of our ******* christmas shopping left to do, and 3 to 4 christmases to attend (i really do lose count). i think i’m gonna lose it. i really do. and, to top it all off, the driveway that i finished shoveling just 3 hours ago is covered with a fresh new layer of snow.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

so now that i've been "outed" as an "obessive nutjob," i figure it's time to do something about my stress. and, since my gutters are clean and my magnets have been arranged, i'm going to start by "busting some holiday stress." with three families to visit, friends in town and hours to bill, i think it could do me some good.


according to familyeducation.com's article entitled "holiday stress-busters," there are 5 signs that you need to "bust your holiday stress": (1) you're irritable; (2) you're losing sleep; (3) you're losing or gaining weight; (4) you feel tense - with muscle aches or headaches; and (5) you feel overwhelmed. since i'm "always" irritable (according to my wife), i rarely sleep thru the nite, i'm rapidly gaining weight (it's been way too cold outside to power-walk) and my tooth always hurts, i could really use some advice. 4 out of 5's not too bad, is it?

familyeducation.com suggests the following tips:

Reassess and Prioritize - Holiday stress sets in when you try to do it all. "Stress is an emotional reaction to circumstances that you feel are out of control," says Vernon. "To cope, take some time out, rethink what's stressing you out, and look for alternatives." Vernon also advises changing your demands to preferences: Tell yourself, "If I have time, I'll do this and that. If not, I'll only do that."

i don't know who this vernon guy is, but this seems like good advice. my wife told me to clean the bathroom, and i told her "if i have time, i'll blog, eat cheetos AND clean the bathroom; if not, i'll only blog and eat cheetos." i feel better already, but my wife didn't like it too much.

Delegate! - Does the house need cleaning or decorating? Let each family member be responsible for a room. Or Vernon suggests, create a "job jar." Everybody takes a turn choosing what his or her job will be. Jobs can be color-coded according to age. "When you delegate, you have to make your expectations clear to your kids, and you may have to lower your standards a little bit," says Vernon.

i'm happy to say that i just got back from making a "job jar." my wife didn't understand it at first, so i color-coded it for her. she got brown since she has to clean the bathroom.

Don't Give in to the "Gimmes" - "I want, I want!" This familiar phrase can wear parents down over the holidays, but giving in to your child's every request can cause financial distress. Psychologist Dorothy Cantor says, "It's okay to tell your child that a gift is too expensive. Tell him that even Santa Claus has limited funds."

my wife and i don't have kids yet, but we're dinks and we too have wants. we want a bigger house, a trip to boston, a new car and a european vacation next year. therefore, i'm skipping this suggestion!

Be Realistic About Relatives - When the in-laws visit this season, have realistic expectations for the short term. "Don't try to solve past issues with family members over the holidays," warns Vernon. "It's not the time to bring up every little irritation. Use discretion." And if going to a certain relative's house every year causes a lot of stress, decide if you really need to do it. Maybe you can go every other year instead.

i read this article AFTER thanksgiving. i should've read it before. 19 hours and 3 turkey dinners later, i've had about as much family as i can handle. you'd be proud of me, though. i walked on egg shells all day long and didn't bring up any "past issues" with family members. i did, however, have to bite my tongue for a substantial majority of the holiday. my family, amazing as it is, has become dysfunctional than ever. next year, we're having a mcdoer thanksgiving with friends and friends only.

Flexibility Can Buy You Time - How can you get anything done when the little ones are home on vacation and you only have a few days off? University of Indiana education professor Janette Shaw suggests parents take turns looking after kids with neighbors or colleagues. And Vernon recommends hiring a babysitter to take the kids to the movies or to play with them for a few hours while you're working around the house.

again, vernon, we're childless, so this isn't the most appropriate advice. it is, however, difficult for me to get things done with my better half around. so tonite i'm dropping my wife off with neighbors or colleagues and going to the boats and the strip club with my brother. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Above all else, Vernon says parents should take it easy on themselves over the holidays: "This time of year, people are so concerned by what others might say about them if they don't do everything perfectly." Ask yourself what imperfection really means. Surprise! You're human — like everyone else.

i'm already feeling less stressed. i haven't thought about finances or lawnboys all day. that being said, though, i am perfect and i'm not human.

my bag of sorrows is filled with leaves

Jack has been so lackadaisical about his blog lately that I'm stepping in. Mainly cause I don't want to do the work I brought home, but also because I think people are starting to dislike him for it.

I might be telling you something you already know, but Jack has a tendency to obsess over things. Sometimes it's the big stuff like passing the bar and saving for the future, but more often than not he's obsessing over how the magnets are arranged on the fridge and whether my stack of papers on the desk is perpendicular to his suits hanging in the closet. Yeah, it doesn't make much sense. As of late, he obsesses over our house--are the storm windows on correctly? do our wood floors squeak more now than they used to? do the shutters need to be repainted again to prevent wood rot? do we need to bless the Indian burial ground beneath the foundation more often? etc.

We have gi-normous old trees in our yard, which at this time of year means lots of leaves everywhere. Which also means Jack's latest obsession--do we need to clean out the gutters every other weekend or should we do it every hour? One of the problems with his obsessions is that while it keeps me from living, it keeps Jack from sleeping (he recently told me that he had a "bad sleep summer" cause he spent most nights worrying about the guy who mows our lawn--specifically, was he fudging the number of times he'd mowed and was he cutting the grass too long? And when Jack called him every day to ask when was he going to mow the lawn next, did the guy really return his calls in a timely manner?).

So he woke me up at 5:45 a.m. today saying, "Do you hear the rain? Two days in a row now, that's bad news for us." I was all, "um, I'm tired." He said, "Do you not realize that our gutters are overflowing with leaves? If it rains anymore, the water won't be able to drain off the roof, and we'll have to replace it. Do you want that to happen?" I was all, "um, I'm tired, shut up."

Once I was more awake, I tried to calm him down. I said we'd clean the gutters again this weeked, and I'm sure our roof can hold out four more days. When that didn't help, I tried to get him to talk about what his day looked like and how busy we both were. When that didn't work, I just made shit up. "Don't you realize that the winter solstice means that there's a stronger magnetic pull toward the core of the earth, so gravity is stronger? That means that the water will be forced down the gutters, despite the leaves. Don't you know that? That's part of why we picked this area to live in."

So if you're looking for us this weekend, I'll be outside cleaning the gutters while Jack's arranging the magnets on the fridge.

give me the gas, f-bombs in the morning, and other ramblings from the past few weeks

sorry it's been so long. i could rattle off a list a mile long of excuses, but i'm sure you don't wanna hear em. the truth is i've been a bad blogger. i'll be the first to admit it. i figured, at worst, i could pull off one, maybe two, posts a week. never did i think my wife would have to step into my shoes and resuscitate iwannabeyourblog from a slow, sad internet death. i'm happy to say, though, that i'm back. and while i'm certainly grateful for what my wife did, i'd like to set the record straight on a few matters. yes, i'm a money-nazi and the gutters have kept me up a nite or two, but i prefer to consider myself a "realist" or a "detail-oriented person," rather than an obsessive nutjob. with that being said, i have no real topic for this post. i do, however, have plenty of things to say. so to kickstart iwannabeyourblog, here's a few things that have been on my mind. call it jackmdoer's greatest hits: October 27 to November 16, 2005. i'll try to tie them together somehow ...

give me the gas - i don't wanna jinx it, but it looks like the never-ending root canal may actually be over. i plopped into my dentist's chair the other day, not really knowing what to expect. i had a list of questons lined up. i had real concerns. before i had a chance to launch into my cross-examination, though, he asked me if i wanted the gas, and i didn't even hesistate. not for a second. the next thing i knew, i had some sort of contraption over my nose and the world was a much, much better place. no leaves, no gutters, no finances. i felt like i was flying. i wanted to dance to the elevator music blaring overhead, but i couldn't even move my hands. he asked me how i was doing, and i told him "rico suave." as he drilled into my tooth, the only thought running through my head was that i didn't want this to ever stop. in those forty-five minutes, i solved all of my problems. everything made perfect sense. i could hear the birds singing "halleluah" and i was swimming in a sea of gummy bears. the feeling ended, however, as quickly as it began. when the dentist finished doing whatever it is that he did, i didn't want to go. i grabbed at the mask and took as my deep breaths of happy gas as i could. the dentist and two hygienists had to pull me away. they called security and ushered me to the front desk to pay and i just handed them my checkbook. i couldn't stop laughing. i got into my car, and i kept thinking that it was a time machine. it's a wonder i made it back to work, but i did. the gas quickly wore off and my tooth is feeling great, but i can't stop thinking that i'd do it all over again just for another puff of that sweet gas. it really makes everything better. everything.

f-bombs in the morning - i don't know what's gotten into me, but i can't stop cussing in the morning. it can't be a good sign. "f*** this," "f*** that," "i don't give a "f***," "i don't wanna "f****** get up," "f*** me," "i hate my f******* life." i'm sure it has something to do with a lack of cheetos in the morning, but i don't wanna get back into that bad habit. any suggestions? and no, gas isn't a realistic solution.

to the kids that took all of my halloween candy - "f*** you." i know, i know, i shouldn't be cussing, but they stole my most prized possession in the world. it's amazing that i'm even functioning without it. my wife and i had other plans for halloween, but still feeling bad about the tit-tac mishap of halloween 2003, i decided to buy a bunch of candy and set it out in my popcorn bowl on our front steps. big mistake. my note to "only take a few, so everyone can have candy" clearly didn't work. not only were all of the kit-kats, blowpops and reece's cups gone, so was my popcorn bowl. who does that? what kind of foul-mouthed "f****** brat" would take all the candy AND the popcorn bowl that means so much to me? "f*** em." never will i pass out candy again. it's pencils and floss from here on out.

it's not the end of the world - it's been a long few weeks, and i wasn't in a particularly good mood monday nite as i sat down on the couch to watch tv all alone. my wife was working late, i didn't even have my favorite popcorn bowl to keep me company, and i was still trying to fend off those horrible gas cravings. so i settled for some campbell's chunky soup and waited for the very last episode of laguna beach to come one. the monday nite football game was a yawner, but it really didn't matter. i couldn't stop thinking that the end was coming. what would i do after kristin, jessica and the gang graduated? the music finally kicked in, "everything's perfect, blah, blah, blah, perfect," and jason, alex m. and l.c. all cried and said their goodbyes as they left, one by one, for college. what great memories they had! i won't lie and tell you that the show finale was great, because it wasn't. maybe iwas just bitter that they were leaving me? as the credits began to roll, though, i wiped the tears out of my eyes and stared blankly at the screen. what was i going to do? when would things start going my way? just as i had given up all hope and headed towards the sink to do the dishes and make lunches, the mtv announcers said that they had "a big surprise." i rushed back to the couch and bit at my fingernails. as soon as they came back from commercial, some carson daly-wannabe declared that "laguna beach, season 3: the next generation" would be airing next fall. and, and, and, even better, they were creating a new show, a spin-off if you will, called "the hills," which follows l.c. all around l.a.! "f*** yeah."

maybe all i need is a shot in the arm

as i read thru the fifteen pages of fine print that greeted me when i stumbled into my office on monday morning, i started wondering whether i should really go thru with it. is the flu really that bad? a vacation day or two would be nice, even with a fever (usually high), a headache, extreme tiredness, a dry cough, a sore throat, a runny or stuffy nose, muscle aches and stomach symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. there's nothing a bottle of ginger ale, a bag of cheetos and a bunch of laguna beach re-runs can't cure. still, i read on. my employer was paying for it, why pass up a free shot in the arm? i certainly didn't qualify as one who shouldn't get a flu shot: i don't have a severe allergy to chicken eggs (at least i think i don't); i don't remember ever developing Guillain-Barre syndrome after getting a shot; and, contrary to what my wife says, i'm not a small child. what the hell, i thought, why not? i signed the dotted line and signed up for the coveted 2:12 p.m. influenza vaccination time slot. then i threw the brochure and materials aside, dove into my morning work and daydreamed the afternoon away, completely forgetting about the big needle with my name on it. the next thing i knew, however, my name came booming across the intercom: "jack mcdoer, jack mcdoer, report to the north conference room immediately to meet your maker." my hands started sweating, as did every other part of my body ... on rare occasions, flu vaccination can cause serious problems, such as severe allergic reactions ... i started pacing the hallways ... as of July 1, 2005, people who think that they have been injured by the flu shot can file a claim for compensation from the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (VICP) ... why had i signed that damned waiver? why had i signed up to die? the receptionist found me huddled in a corner of the file room and drug me down the long, dark corridor toward the north conference room. as i moved closer and closer to my impending death, i told myself to think happy thoughts ... the flu is a contagious respiratory illness caused by influenza viruses. it can cause mild to severe illness, and at times can lead to death. the best way to prevent this illness is by getting a flu vaccination each fall ... it didn't help, but i still tried ... complications of flu can include bacterial pneumonia, dehydration, and worsening of chronic medical conditions, such as congestive heart failure, asthma, or diabetes. children may get sinus problems and ear infections ... my knees were bleeding from the carpet burns as the receptionist propped me in a chair. i tried to avoid eye contact with the nurse who would be killing me by lethal injection in a matter of minutes. i tried to joke with her while she rolled up the sleeve of my right arm. i asked her if this shot protected me from the avarian flu. i questioned whether i should really be getting this shot if i was pregnant with twins. she ignored me, however, and gave me a swift, violent stick in the arm. i collapsed in my chair. i shuddered and convulsed. i yelled and screamed about the revolution and told those in line that i liked to dress up as a bunny rabbit. a funny thing occurred to me, though, and it happened all of a sudden. i didn't feel that bad. the nurse gave me a cute band-aid and i walked out of the north conference room of my own accord. i didn't want her to think what she had done to me was ok, so i told her that i couldn't see out of my right eye and asked her if she also smelled the bacon and sausage. still, as i creeped back to my office, i figured i'd drop dead at any time. maybe 3, 3:15. but no, nothing happened. i made it home and was able to watch a new episode of laguna beach that night. i even got to eat a bag of cheetos the next morning for breakfast. what a blessing, i thought. and now, here i am, three days later, and not only am i not dead, i don't have soreness, redness, or swelling where the shot was given (although i'm too scared to take my band-aid off), a fever or aches. hell, there's even a good chance that i won't get the flu this year. now if i can only find a shot in the arm that prevents me from: skipping power-walking and eating popcorn instead; hearing my wife complain; getting jealous about the size of my house; changing moods at the drop of a hat; thinking that farting at inappropriate times is still funny; and having to pay for wood root, tree trims, busted washers and dryers and other assorted household problems, the world would be really, really great place to live in.

if you didn't laugh, you'd cry

sorry it's been such a long time. a bad case of writer's block has cast its dark shadows over this very blog. it's not that i don't have things to say, though, it's just that i shouldn't say them. but i can't keep on feeling sorry for myself forever. the blog, as they say, must go on. rather than writing a juicy, tell-all post, though, i'm going to write about all the half-baked ideas that nearly came to fruition during this, my first creative dry spell. maybe i was too tired and depressed to see them thru, maybe my mind was in other places, or maybe they weren't up to iwannabeyourblog's standards of excellence. i'll let you be the judge ...

highway to the danger zone - how come every pair of sunglasses makes me look like i'm in top gun? my wife, after her 5,000th warning about crow's eyes and cataracts, finally convinced me that i needed em, but there i was, alone in sunglasses hell, having to decide whether i looked better as maverick, ice man or the goose. i've done a lot of things for love, i no longer wear white socks and even wear a watch, but c'mon, i drive a honda accord, not a F14 tomcat ...

please tell my brother - as we settled into our seats at arrowhead stadium for the ku-ou football game, my eyes couldn't help but wander over to the college kid sitting next to me. yes, he was 6 feet tall, had dark hair and wore an ou t-shirt, but other than that, he looked exactly like my little brother. he had the same profile, the same features, made the same facial expressions, hell, he even talked the same. i couldn't believe it. nor could my wife or friends. so i did what any big brother would do when he saw a kid that looked exactly like his little brother and quickly struck up a conversation. hugs were had and photos were snapped, it was like a family reunion. since the game was over before it started, i spent most of the first quarter trying to convince him to tell my wife that he was born on the same day as my little brother and that he didn't know who his real father was. he eventually did, and my wife was drunk enough to buy it. i even got him to make fun of my friend, just like a good little brother. i started to think his friends were getting annoyed with me, so i told them that the reason i was acting this way was that my little brother had died two months ago. i laughed half of a second later, but it ended any real chance i had at getting him to come scare my parents ...

(editor's note - this is where the well really dries up)

postcards from a bathroom stall in a gas station/fireworks supercenter on i-70 somewhere west of boonville, missouri - i didn't think things could get any worse than having to watch the mu tigers, my school's biggest rivals, play an entire game of football. i was wrong. thirty minutes in to my two and a half hour ride in the rain back to kansas city, my dad was panicking about running out of gas and i was praying in the back seat that he'd find a gas station for an entirely different reason. we both let out a collective sigh of relief, however, when we saw what appeared to be a gas station/fireworks supercenter at the next exit. although i'd never seen one before, i thought to myself what a great idea it really was. man, was i wrong again. i should've known that a place that sells cheetos and saturn missiles wouldn't have the cleanest of bathrooms. now i've tried to uphold the journalistic integrity of iwannabeyourblog for quite some time, vowing never to resort to potty humor, but i am suffering thru a major bout with writer's block, and when i walked into the stall, i knew i had the subject for my next post ...

phantasies - move on over, carl. watch the door on your way out, allard. when it comes to fantasy football, i'm the GM. yes, i haven't won in a few years. yes, i lost over $200 last season. but ...

and there you go. that right there, friends, is the reason for no post in two weeks. maybe you wish i would've waited a little longer. maybe you wish i'd never write again. i, however, feel much better. i got it out of my system and i'm writing again.

sausage fest

my wife turned 26, so i did what all good husbands do and threw her a party. and no, she didn't just invite guys. my latest post is entitled "sausage fest" since my wife, for whatever reason, wanted to have a bacon and sausage themed party. maybe she really is getting old and senile, i don't know, but the party is the reason for the lack of activity on iwannabeyourblog. i'm still recovering. i'm not 26 anymore.

the bacon and sausage themed party, however, was a smashing success. my wife's dad prepared several bacon and sausage themed appetizers: sausage and pepper skewers; chorizo and apple skewers; goat cheese and bacon dip; bacon-wrapped shrimp; bacon-wrapped dates; goat cheese, spinach and bacon pinwheels; etc. my wife's sister showed up with a pig's foot, and some guests even showed up dressed as pirates. i'm not real sure why, but we went with it.

there was also a highly-anticipated ping pong tournament. emotions ran high. controversy swirled around my wife and i's automatic bye to the championship round, so we filled in for a team that didn't show.

needless to say, we kicked ass and took names.

there wasn't just bacon, sausage and ping pong, however. there was plenty of drinking and debauchery.

and dancing. lots and lots of dancing. salsa dancing,

michael jackson dancing (bad, thriller, man in the mirror, dirty diana, you name it),

and drunken dancing.

some of us wanted them to stop dancing,

but they kept going ... and going ... and going ...

my wife was having so much fun she raised the roof,

and one of our friends was kind enough, and drunk enough, to put all of his trips to the strip clubs to use, teaching all the women how to give lap dances, for which i am eternally grateful.

the party finally ended at 4 am. i think it went on til then just so that we could prove to ourselves that we weren't that old. i didn't feel too young the next morning, however, cleaning up all the sausage that was lying around. my wife had "her best birthday ever" though, and that made it all worth it. beat that, sweet sixteen.

things are as bad as they seem

sorry it's been a while. power-walking and blogging just don't go that well together. i'm trying to make time for both, though, so don't you worry. i wish i could tell you that i am just shedding the pounds, but it'd be a lie. it's a slow process. my pants, however, don't feel so tight after a trip to the godfather's lunch buffet. and that's at least a start, right?


this week, well the past several weeks, haven't been that great, hence the picture of a shark eating a man and his helicopter. there's a tree that needs to be trimmed and internal resorption that must be stopped, my wife's depressed about turning 26, and the shirt and tie ensemble i was so proud to wear yesterday got me nothing but obscene circus comments and partners in my office making ice cream truck sounds.

so i did what all tired and depressed young men do, i called my mom. her advice was to start a "grateful list." each day, i'm supposed to list 10 new things that i'm grateful for. now don't worry, i'm not gonna start blogging my damn grateful list for you to read every day. this is probably the one and only grateful list i'll ever actually write, but since i'm so down in the dumps, here are 10 things i'm grateful for today:

1) kruncheze. they're like cheetos, only cheaper. you can get a great big bag of em for 99 cents at hyvee.

2) other people's kids. i've got a nephew and a niece, and i have another set on the way this winter. some of my friends have em too. don't think i'm getting all soft on you, you know why i like em, you can see em for an hour or two, play with em, laugh with em, watch em be kids, but when all the screaming and crying and pooping starts, you can walk right out the door. no sleepless nites, no kids songs, and no soccer games. you get lotsa benefits without lotsa work. when else does that happen? the other nite, my wife and i went over to a friend's house for some barbecuing and kid time. he's got 3 of em, including a newborn. i figured it'd kill any urge my wife might have for at least 3 months (that's a good rule of thumb, 1 kid, 1 month longer my wife won't wanna have em). anyway, we're all huddled around the dinner table, and his middle child, a little 2-year-old girl, wasn't eating her food. everyone, including me, was asking her why she wasn't eating, and she got this look on her face, a very mischievous look, and said that her brother, the newborn, "eats mom's boob for dinner." i don't know where it came from or why she said it, but i haven't stopped laughing about it since.

3) the fact that i don't have kids of my own. we go out both nites of the weekend, way past our bed time. we go out on weekdays. we see concerts, football games, movies. we do whatever we want. and spoil ourselves rotten. when we wanna see kids, we don't have to go far.

4) gummi bears. bouncing here & there & everywhere. only by themselves, though. we have some good friends who order them in their ice cream. it's embarassing. "vanilla with gummi bears, please." "double chocolate almond fudge with gummi bears, sir." these are grown adults. it wierds me out.

5) tv shows. desperate housewives, gray's anatomy, curb your enthusiasm, laguna beach, my name is earl, the office, real world - austin, the apprentice. they get me through the week.

6) my wife. she still makes me laugh. and she's very, very cute.

7) buying cds. i bought 7, yes 7, of em this week. fiona apple, extraordinary machine; my morning jacket, z; franz ferdinaaaand, you could have it better; neil young, prairie wind; ryan adams, jacksonville city nights; wolf parade, apologies to queen mary; and wilco, a ghost is born.

8) movie popcorn. even if i can only get a medium now.

9) my new dentist. what a difference. i never knew it could be like this. i walked into the office and everyone, including the receptionist, the hygienist and my new dentist, knew my name, what i did for a living, and what my long-term dental goals were. (yes, i filled out an application, but they took the time to learn it). it's like the cheers of dentistry.

10) that fact that i'm done with this damn grateful list.

jiggly

a funny thing happened to me the other day ... i felt jiggles. don't get me wrong, i've felt em before. i still remember the first time i felt jiggles to this day. i was in college, late for some class, and had to take off running. needless to say, i hadn't been exercising much at the time. anyway, off i went. and that's when it happened. it wasn't as graceful as i remembered it, running. i seemed to be bouncing a bit. and i looked down, and sure enough, i was jiggling. i put on the brakes immediately and made sure no one had noticed. then i quickly and quietly began my very first diet. and that's what i do now whenever i feel jiggles returning. i start to exercise a bit, maybe eat a little less, whatever. at least until the jiggles are gone.

back to the other day, though. every other time i've felt jiggles, i was running, or at least power-walking. this time, however, i hit a bump in the road and felt jiggles. you heard me right, a bump in the road. i jiggled in my car. maybe i've been ignoring the jiggles lately? there's no other explanation. i had to have been feeling them. i guess i didn't want to face the truth. partners have been coming into my office and telling me how pasty i look for months. i come back from lunch and constantly feel like i need to go to the little boy's room my pants are so tight. look in the mirror, jack mcdoer, look in the mirror.

something obviously needs to change. no more excuses. no more empty promises. no more dr. pepper with a side of cheetos for breakfast. this whole "car jiggle" thing has really caused me to do some soul-searching and find out what's really important to me, like weight, appearance, and material possessions. do i really need to eat barbeque three times a week? no. do i really need a large popcorn at every movie? a medium will do. this week i've been to salty iguana, wendy's, jose pepper's and taco bell. hell, i even bought and ate a 6-pound bag of gummy bears at costco. i've been telling my wife for months now that "i'm letting myself go," that "all the fat guys on sitcoms have skinny wives," and that "i'll go on a diet when i hit 2 bills." i read the south beach book and have been using it as a coaster. pathetic, just pathetic.

so i've started power-walking again. no major arm movements, though, you don't need to worry. 4 nites a week, plus 1 morning, that's the plan. you may see me scurrying through mission. many of you have probably gotten calls from me wondering why i was panting rather than talking. no i'm not stalking you. i'm just out walking. i don't wanna feel jiggles when i run anymore, but i really, really, really don't wanna feel jiggles in the car anymore.

i'm so tired, my mind is on the brink

i've gotten a lot of complaints about my last post: "it was too long," "it was boring," "i don't care about your tooth," "i hate you and everything you write about." that's not the reason i haven't been blogging, but i'll make this short and sweet anyway. it can't make for a great post when you can't see the screen. i'm a little on the tired side of life, you see, this weekend was a mcdoer family wedding. yes, my step-sister gave me a brother-in-law. tool showers were thrown, strippers were stripped down, pasties were removed, and everything was rehearsed twice only for me to screw it all up and be the only usher who ever had to bring out extra chairs. i stayed up late to see the sun. i even danced some. once all the wedding vows were made and all the appetizers eaten, i tried to work, tried to sleep, and tried to work some more. my wife called me on the way and told me that her grandma was dead. turns out her phone didn't work. now i'm even sleepier. i have a tiny house and lots of bug bites. and my wife is taking away my cds one at a time. i'll write more when i'm not sooooooooooo tired.

the never-ending root canal

WARNING - iwannabeyourblog has been the target of a ruthless hacker. do not believe everything you read. i am thoroughly investigating this incident, and any and all hackers, including my wife (who somehow stole my password, infiltrated my blog, and wrote about how pinchy would've wanted it, like she knows), will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. for the time being, and until the investigation is completed, all authentic iwannabeyourblog posts will end with the initials "*jmcdoer*".

with that being said, it's on to this week's topic, the never-ending root canal, woh woh woh, woh woh woh, woh woh woh, the never-ending root canal, woh woh woh, woh woh woh, woh woh woh.

i haven't written much about my recent tooth ailment much since it's so damn depressing. today, however, i finally received a bit of good news. after 6 trips to the endodontist, countless ibuprofen overdoses, numerous shots directly into my gumline and thousands of dollars, i am ready for a crown, albeit a temporary one.

it all started so suddenly, but it has been dragging and dragging and dragging for months now. my tooth hadn't been hurting a lick, but during my semi-annual dentist's appointment, no cavities, i guess my x-rays showed a large gaping hole in one of my upper teeth. my utopian dentist, who only works 3 days a week from 10 to 2 in tommy bahamas, reassured me by saying that "i've only seen this once or twice in my life" and "you need to see a specialist immediately."

so i was en route to the endodonist the next day. i hadn't talk to dear old mom in a while, and i gave her a call, you know, to calm my nerves and get my mind off of my terrible predicament. of course, that's all she wanted to talk about. to make matters worse, when she found out who i was going to see, she let the horror stories start flying. she'd seen this endodontist before. over and over and over again. and there was swelling and blood, gigantic needles, and horrible and excrutiating pain. she actually told me that after her 6th or 7th trip, he told her that if she kept complaining, he'd just pull her tooth. i ended our phone conversation as i walked into his office.

sure enough, my peace-loving dentist was right about the gaping hole. as the endodontist said, while trying to put a stop to all my panic, "it's not cancer, but your tooth's eating away at itself." oh, ok, that makes sense. after that, i honestly quit listening. only this kinda stuff happens to me.

"internal resorption" is what he called it. i tried to look it up on the web, but apparently it's pretty rare because google didn't have much on it. here's the best explanation i could find:

Internal resorption is when the living cells inside a tooth attack the inside of the tooth and eat away the inside lining of that tooth. Every tooth has a hollow area that contains the tooth's nerve and blood vessels. The hollow inside of a tooth crown is the pulp chamber and the part inside the root is the root canal. These contents are removed when root canal therapy is done. This problem commonly begins at the top of a root canal but can be seen in the pulp chamber and spreads.

Internal resorption is usually painless and progresses slowly. It is often found after dental x-rays are taken but when all of a tooth is eaten away, a patient may shatter the tooth before the problem is found. If it is found early, the cells inside the tooth suffering can be removed with root canal therapy before causing more damage.

We do not know exactly why the cells attack their own tooth but internal resorption can be associated with a number of things. A history of trauma is most common. The insult could be from a blow or tooth decay. Sometimes an unfinished root canal leaves some living cells that go wild and turn on their own tooth. A tooth can crack from biting something hard and the irritation can slowly kill the tooth and damage the cells.

Internal resorption is rare since our bodies do not usually turn against themselves. Regular dental care along with necessary dental x-rays are important in finding and preventing damage. A full x-ray review should be done every three years.

how'd i get this, i kept asking myself. it certainly wasn't "from a blow." when my endodontist informed me that 99% of internal resorption is caused by an early-childhoold trauma to the mouth, all those bad memories i'd tried so hard to forget rushed to my head: the 5-iron to the mouth during junior golf; the busted chin and teeth through my upper lip from the boating accident; and ,of course, being knocked out by the middle school gynasium door. i guess i could have more internal resorption on the way.

when my treatment started, i felt optimistic, but it quickly turned to frustration and hopelessness. i'd go to see the endodontist, wait for thirty minutes to an hour in the waiting room (magazine choices: year-old sports illustrated issues or AARP), then get stuck with a big needle in my upper and lower gum around the tooth, and wait thirty minutes to an hour more for him to show back up (magazine choices: AARP or AARP). then he'd started working, shoving medicine into my tooth, but after a few minutes of this, i'd let out a horrible scream. the novocaine had worn out, and i'd get another shot or two directly into my gums. then he'd work away for a while, my mouth held open by some sort of 17th century torture device, and he'd finally finish, i'd head back to work, and within 2 hours, i'd have this ungodly pain in my tooth. to tell you the truth, my tooth only hurt after the endodontist had finished working on it. and this entire sequence was repeated 6 times. 6 times.

things are better now in toothland though. the endodontist wants me to get a temporary crown "in case" it flares up again. he also told me that if i have to come back, he'll pull the tooth. i'm not sure he means it or not. but the way i see it, i have very few options. i'm supposed to go back to my hippy dentist to have the rest of my work done, but when i told him about the endodontist's temporary crown recommendation, he said that temporary's are no good. this from the guy who shamelessly pimps colgate products before, during and after he cleans my teeth. but i'll keep you posted. something tells me this root canal's not over.

*jmcdoer*

"Pinchy would've wanted it this way"

Fox update: Three days after Pinchy was officially put up for adoption at Wayside Waifs, someone adopted him! We figured he would go quickly--as soon as someone saw his sweet demeanor and unwavering loyalty, it would be all over. It's kind of bittersweet, though. We'd told ourselves that we would adopt him if no one else did, but I think both of us were hoping that it wouldn't come to that. He was totally cute, don't get me wrong, but he also got some pee on himself everytime he went. That, plus the fact that we both work 10,000 hours a day, added up to "home no good for dogs (home barely good for people)".

But now that getting and keeping Pinchy is no longer an option, we're both a little sad. I wonder if the family who adopted him gave him a home as good as the home we could've given him. The love we had to offer would have stacked up well against the time he would've had to be in his kennel. But I guess all we can do now is think of Pinchy in a warm, loving home and be glad for the short time we knew him.

In other news, there was a huge silver spider hanging over the driver's seat when I tried to get in my car tonight. He's been living in my car unseen for days now--spinning webs in the backseat, having babies (I totally killed a baby spider that was on my steering wheel with my hand yesterday, while steering mind you, and there's no way that's a coincidence) and generally wreaking havoc on my life. After I killed the little one yesterday, all I could think was "what if one crawls up my leg while I'm driving? do I pull to the side of the road and kill it, or do I completely freak out and drive head-on into the car coming towards me? if I choose the latter, would that kill the spider or no?"

So when I see the big silver spider tonight, I'm faced with a dilemma: I've got to kill him, but then can I really feel good about driving home? I mean, this spider could be the second smallest in the car, like those wooden nesting dolls, and once I kill him, his larger counterparts could totally jump on my face while I'm driving. When that happens, I'm not even thinking twice before I throw open the door and jump into traffic.

As it happens, I killed the silver spider with my umbrella handle and wiped up his wet, stringy remains with a granola bar wrapper. I then put the wrapper on the floor in the backseat and drove home, squirming and driving fairly erratically all the way.

I bet Pinchy could've taken the spider.

if you still love rock n' roll ...

so i haven't done a whole lot of blogging about rock n' roll since the inception of iwannabeyourblog. i didn't know if anyone cared? i don't go to nearly as many concerts as i once did in my youth; i've grown to despise hipsters, opening acts, talkative crowds, staying up late and not being able to sit down in my crickety and crotchety elder years. but yes, i do still have a two-cd-a-week habit, and i'm not sure i'll ever kick it. so for anyone who's still listening, here are some the of the albums that have been clogging my ears, and my stereo, and bringing me that much closer to the inevitable hearing-aid stage of my life:



portastic - bright ideas - it's as close to the chunk as you can get these days. it's also the source of my last heated argument since the day it finally arrived in the mail, i wanted to listen to portastic and my wife wanted to tell me about her day. highlights include: "through with people," "i wanna know girls," and "registered ghost."








new pornographers - twin cinema - not as surprising as mass romantic, or as catchy as electric version, but it's still better than 99% of the pop music out there, and it's got neko case. ahhhhhhhhh, neko case.








black rebel motorcycle club - howl - i liked b.r.m.c., loathed take them on, on your own, and bought this because the store didn't have portastic and i needed two cds. i was surprised to hear that most of their jesus and mary chain thing had been replaced with country, gospel and blues, but i kinda like it.







r.l. burnside - a ass pocket of whiskey - r.l., a famous delta blues guitarist, died just last week. i was introduced to him thanks to the blues explosion, who backed him on this album. my favorite line: "i got a ass pocket of whiskey, and a front pocket of gin, if you don't open that door, i'll kick your motherfuckin."







bob mould - body of song - this one's been billed as a sampling of bob mould's entire career, and it really is. if you're a fan of husker du, sugar or his singer-songwriter stuff, it's worth buying, but be warned, he didn't leave off the last stage of his career, electronica. everybody dance now.







frank black - honeycomb - frank black holed himself up in a nasvhille studio with a bunch of famous musicians and made this little gem rather than the pixies album everyone wants to hear. highlights include: "i burn today," "sunday sunny mill valley groove day," and "strange goodbye."







son volt - okemah and the melody of riot - what i'd give for that hat to be medicine! tired of solo gigs, jay farrar brought in a whole new lineup and resurrected the volt to once and for all conquer the free world. the result is the most rocking, and political, son volt record to date. "there's no reason to be down-hearted, there's music in the wheels there to be found."








white stripes - get behind me satan - i haven't listened to this one much, mainly because my wife grabbed it and hasn't let it go. she says it's their best yet. and i do love that "doorbell" song. "i've been thinking about my doorbell, when you gonna ring it, when you gonna ring it."










foo fighters - in your honor - i've listened to this even less. dave grohl's a nice guy, though.











stephen malkmus - face the truth - it's his adult wowee zowee.











spoon - gimme fiction - can spoon do any wrong? gimme more.







ryan adams & the cardinals - cold roses - more like shit roses. at least he has two more records coming out this year to redeem himself. no more greatful dead rip-offs though. i don't know how many more records i can keep buying. i'm not asking for a stranger's almanac or a heartbreaker, but how about at least a gold?






robbie fulks - georgia hard - robbie can do no wrong in our eyes. we've already seen him three times this year, including in nashville, and i imagine he thinks we're stalking him, but we can't get enough. this is his take on 70's country. highlights include: "georgia hard" and "each night i try."






and there you have it. 3 months of records in 3 sentences or less. take that pitchfork.

i'm going over the cliff

it's been a long and lonely week. my wife's been working more than doctors recommend, making me feel lazy for working 12-hour days. she gets home just as the clock strikes 7, we grunt a few times at each other, eat dinner, mainly of the microwavable sort, and she gets right back to work, leaving me lying on the couch with nothing but buckets of popcorn and "laguna beach" re-runs.

but this week's as good as over. i'm thru with it. we're on the sunny side of a 3-day weekend, ku finally got brandon rush, jay farrar finally aired his side of the ut split (a drunken jeff tweedy hit on his girlfriend while he was driving the van and repeatedly called him a pussy when he said he was leaving the band; you can read the rest at http://www.jayfarrar.net/board/index.htm, it's on the 2nd page of the post entitled "Jay in Relix, Jeff now teh Pussy"), and

my wife's finally thru, well almost thru, with her wildebeest of an editing side project.

i guess that's a photo of a wildebeest? jumping off of a cliff? that's kinda how i feel. free and jumping off a cliff. it's been a looooooooooong week. too looooooooooong. i'm glad it's over. we don't have BIG plans. we were thinking about driving somewhere, but with gas prices at $75/gallon, i guess it'll be more microwavable dinners and popcorn and "laguna beach," minus all the work, which is just fine with me.