21st century digital boy

it's hard to believe that i'm having a baby. it's probably even harder to believe, though, that i now have a blackberry.

i famously held out during "the cell phone craze" for years. it's just a "phase," a "fancy toy," i often said. "i don't want people to get a hold of me, and i don't want to get a hold of people."

all that changed a few years ago in franklin county when i was sitting in court with my boss and the judge told us to call our offices and check our calendars. my boss, of course, turned to me. at first i ignored him. then i pretended i didn't hear him. finally, i lied and said it was out of batteries. the next day i got a cell phone.

and i slowly got used to it. besides, pay phones were disappearing by the day. my wife, however, still held out. although she always found time to yell at me if i forgot mine at home.

anyways, with my new job at a big firm, being all high-tech and whatnot, i took the blackberry plunge. phone, email, calendar, internet. you name it, it's got it. and i kinda like it. they don't call em crackberries for nothing. i check my emails. i text. hell, i can type like 5 words a minute.

and what's even crazier, my wife now has a cell phone too. she actually took mine. (so all you ladies out there, don't be leaving messages on my old phone).

the times, they are a changin'.

communication breakdown

not a lot of new records have been catching my ear lately (minus marah). maybe it's that time of year. maybe my ears are getting old. or maybe the hipster stuff's just too hipster these days.

i have, however, been buying/listening to a lot of stuff that i missed the first time around, like:

the breeders - pod - had last splash, the amps and title tk forever. never had this one, though. finally got it, and dang, i was missing oooooooout. kim deal's the coolest woman in rock.

led zeppelin - mothership - always thought they sucked. but all i knew was "stairway to heaven". then i got this sweet greatest hits package and can't believe how stupid i was.

jawbox - for your own special sweetheart - heard of em, but not anything by em. got this on emusic, and it rocks my 30-year-old ass.

anything you guys recommend checking out that i've missed?

the question is how fast

boy or girl? blue or pink? jack mcdoer vi or jacklyn mcdoer?

my wife didn't want to know the baby's gender. she wanted it to be a surprise. i, on the other hand, being anal retentive and a crazy obsessive planner, had to know. needed to know. and, using my super lawyer powers of persusion, i convinced her that my position was the correct one (in exchange for ceding any and all say or control in the color scheme and/or decoration of said baby's room).

all signs indicated that our little bundle of joy was a boy. i came from a long line of powerful men. i was one of three mcdoer boys. and my wife didn't experience morning sickness, craved meats and cheeses and had headaches.

my wife, however, insisted it was a girl. whether she was in denial of the thought of naming our little boy jack mcdoer vi or having men overrun the house, i don't know. she claims, however, to have the ability to predict the future in her dreams, and in her dreams, it was a little girl.

so we met at the doctor's office for sonogram #2 not knowing what to expect. i was so excited. i couldn't sleep the night before. i couldn't work that day. what was it going to be?

the sonogrammer, sonogramist, sonogramographer (?) sure took her sweet time to get to gender. she went orifice by orifice, organ by organ, system by system, making sure everything was o.k. (which, thankfully, it is), and after about 20 minutes, finally asked if we wanted to know the baby's sex. before my wife could speak, i shouted out "yes, yes, yes." and ...

we're having a little baby girl!

we were both really surprised. my wife had switched positions, at least so she said, now thinking it was a boy, or at least claiming that it was so she could still present herself as a dream manipulater. she asked "are you sure?" and, sure enough, not only did the baby not have little boy parts, she had little folds. that's what the sonogrammer said. but that's the last time anyone ever gets to mention my little girl's folds!

so, here we are, excited as we can possibly be! we're starting to decorate the room, or at least plan to decorate the room. of course, my wife wants some sort of french decor, and i don't get my pink room with princess and dragon pictures, pursuant to our agreement.

mvp haircuit

spurned last year by chick-fil-A in an attempt to be 1 of the first 100 customers at its new location and win free chicken sandwiches for a year, i reluctantly crawled out of bed at 3 a.m. yesterday morning in hopes of doing the same at sports clips' newest store (and winning free haircuts for a year, not free chicken sandwiches). i took a quick shower, hopped in my car, and sped through the night to obtain my elusive prize. undaunted by the long line of other men in need of free haircuts for a year, i waited alongside sporty (sports clips' mascot) in the freezing cold just hoping that i wasn't too late. i counted about 105 men in front of me, but slowly and surely, 1 or 2 every hour would get in their cars and leave, mumbling to themselves how it simply wasn't worth it or that they couldn't feel their hands and feet anymore. i faded in and out of consciousness, trudging closer and closer to the front door. once the store finally opened, it was another 4 1/2 hours before i got in, but it was well worth it. at approximately 12:30 p.m., more than 9 hours after i'd started, i walked in the door to haircut heaven, paid a measly $21 for an mvp haircut, and received vouchers for a free precision haircut for every month of 2008 and one for january 2009 ...

of course, i'm exaggerating a little bit. in reality, as opposed to blogworld, i stumbled out of bed at 10:30 or 10:45 a.m., definitely didn't shower, didn't wait in line, watched the ku-bc game for about 20 minutes in the front room and still got my free haircuts for a year at 11:15 a.m.

in appreciation of my free prize, though, i'll do some free advertising for sports clips, "where guys win." it was pretty great. there was a flat screen in the front room. with sports on. the only magazines to read were sports magazines, as opposed to better homes and gardens, parenting and aarp. and they had little tvs, with sports on, in the "locker area."

and i haven't even mentioned the haircut yet. it consisted of: a consultation and precision cut by a guy-smart stylist; a relaxing shampoo with invigorating scalp massage; a sterilized steamed towel and time to kick back; leave-in conditioner; and a neck and shoulder massage. my wife claims she gets the same with every haircut, but let me just tell you, you sure don't get it at great clips!

orange ya glad to be a jayhawk

my kansas football jayhawks are orange bowl champions! 13-0 in basketball isn't bad, either! rock chalk, jayhawk! go ku!

i've just seen a face

my face just keeps getting bigger and bigger. my neck too. they won't stop growing.



did you know that i've gained more weight than my pregnant wife? sympathy weight, they call it.


did you know that my hat size is now the same as barry bond's? 7 and 3/4ths, it's true.


did you know that my neck size is now a 16 and a 1/2? i can't button the last button of more than half of my work shirts.


now that you know that, i think you also know my new year's resolution. it's to lose weight, face and neck weight!


i look back at pictures and think what a skinny face i once had. what a pretty, skinny face. i don't want to be accused of taking hgh anymore. i don't want to be referred to as mr. turkeyneck again.


now, if they only had a face and neck machine at the ymca ...

jack mcdoer's annual year in review

it was a bad year in music, a bad year in movies, and tv writers are on strike. still, however, jack mcdoer's best of lists must go on ...

TOP 10 RECORDS

1 - spoon - ga ga ga ga ga - their best since girls can tell is also 2007's best. by a lot.

2- the arcade fire - neon bible - so much for a sophomore slump.

3 - flight of the conchords - the distant future - despite only having one (obsessed) fan and an inexperienced, albiet dedicated, band manager, lol, this new zealand duo secured a second season on HBO and a record deal with sub pop.

4 - the national - boxer - even better than alligator.

5 - blitzen trapper - wild mountain nation - a whole lotta pavement, a little bitta phish.

6 - dr. dog - we all belong - who cares if they rip off the beatles? doesn't everybody?

7 - grinderman - grinderman - nick cave can still rock.

8 - mark olson - salvation blues - after leaving the jayhawks for victoria williams 15 years ago, mark olson accidentally ran over her dog, had a fling with an ex-girlfriend, and their marriage ended. this album is him picking up the pieces.

9 - dinosaur jr. - beyond - sounds just like 1992.

10 - okkervil river - the stage names - 3 great albums in a row.

honorable mention - elliott smith - new moon; qui - love's miracle - the shins - wincing the night away; foo fighters - echoes, silence, patience & grace; josh rouse - country mouse, city house.

TOP 10 SONGS

1 - flight of the conchords - the most beautiful girl in the room
2 - blitzen trapper - country caravan
3 - black francis - threshold apprehension
4 - spoon - you got yr cherry bomb
5 - okkervil river - our life is not a movie or maybe
6 - the white stripes - you don't know what love is (you just do as you're told)
7 - lcd soundsystem - all my friends
8 - the arcade fire - keep the car running
9 - son volt - the picture
10 - grinderman - no pussy blues

TOP 5 MOVIES

1 - lars and the real girl
2 - superbad
3 - no country for old men
4 - the bourne ultimatum
5 - juno

TOP 5 TV SHOWS

1 - the sopranos
2 - the hills
3 - the office
4 - flight of the conchords
5 - curb your enthusiasm

good news, bad news

the good news is that we are having a baby! (there, i finally said it! it's been killing me to keep it a secret for so long! i didn't think i could do it much longer!)

the bad news is that the baby has a strong resemblance to radiskull! really! we were having our first sonogram today (which, by the way, was the best thing that's ever happened to me!), and everything was going great. the baby had two arms, two legs, and a big head like its dad! anyway, the nurse/sonogrammer was trying to get some important baby measurements, and the baby on the screen all of a sudden went from a side profile view to looking directly at us, and my wife and i almost screamed! i didn't know if it was me or her, but one of us said that the baby had the face of evil, and hilarity ensued! the nurse/sonogrammer wasn't real thrilled, though, because the baby was moving all over the place, kicking, waving its arms, even bobbing its head, because my wife couldn't stop laughing! i couldn't either! the baby really does look like radiskull!

but, yeah, things are changing. i'm gonna be a dad! it's so exciting, and so scary at the same time! also, just to let you know, my wife's feeling great! the baby's due in june! and yeah, i have plenty to write about now!

brand new love

i bought richard (pictured here), my newest smoker, at a garage sale for $50. he's a little bit on the rusty side, but he's a mighty fine piece of equipment, and i love him for who he is on the inside. in fact, i can't wait to use him this weekend. fall's in the air, football's on tv, and i'm gonna smoke me a big ole brisket.

life's pretty good in jackworld these days. i got a little break from my job after working night and day for about a month straight (it's good to see my wife again when she's actually awake). my jayhawks are ranked in the top 10 in basketball AND football. and i got 6 new cds in the mail today.

happy weekend!

my wife was right after all

i'm a neanderthal. see the story "Red-headed Neanderthals? DNA says yes: study" at http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071025/sc_afp/scienceneanderthalsus_071025204231

it isn't easy being chompers

chompers has had a rough life. abandoned by her first owners. left to scavenge for food. taken to a shelter. treated for heart worms.

luckly, my wife and i came to her rescue. adopted her. took her into our home. bought her toys. and multiple beds. fed her good food. took her on walks. got her training.

i was starting to think chompers really had it good.

then, the other night, as my wife was folding laundry, and after she finished yelling at me from the other room about throwing away my underwear with holes and blah blah blah, chompers came walking into the office looking like this ...

here she is looking at me, wondering why i was looking at her funny ...



here she is realizing that she's wearing my underwear ... and that it has holes in it ...


and here she is, wishing she was back on the mean streets or at least back in the shelter.

hello goodbye

41 days since my last post. 41 days. i know, i know, that's unacceptable. i hope you, dear readers, haven't totally given up on me. at least not yet. i vow to keep writing. and at a lot more rapid pace than 1 post every 41 days.

a whole lot's happened since i last blogged. really. i don't know even where to begin?

i said all my goodbyes at my old job, which was hard. and i said all my hellos at my new job, which was also hard. now i've got 3 weeks under my belt, and things have calmed down a bit.

i really, really like my new job. they have a firm intranet. oh, and inter-office mail. and a marketing department. my wife laughed when i told her all this, but i'm used to working at a small firm.

my office is really nice too. i decorated it really pretty. it's on the 17th floor and overlooks downtown kansas city. i've also upgraded from 2 windows to 3 windows.

what else?

you won't believe me, but i joined the ymca. quit laughing. i really did. it's true. i'll show you my membership card if you don't believe me.

anyway, sticking with my whole new job, new outlook on life thingy i got going on, i decided to finally start excercising for real. walking chompers wasn't helping too much since i have to stop and discipline her every 2 to 5 minutes.

so now, every other morning, i wake up at 5:15, put on workout pants, and drive to the y. it hurts to even say that. it's so early. but i don't brush my teeth or comb my hair or change my undershirt so i can get there by 5:30. and, once i'm there, i do 30 minutes on the treadmill, followed by 20 minutes in the weightroom, either doing arm and chest exercises or stomach and leg exercises. i don't think i've lost much weight yet, but i feel good. errr, i feel sore.

also, we had our basement jackhammered. that was scary. at least for me. i kinda worry about house stuff, as you all know, so pulling into the driveway and seeing a forklift and other assorted heavy machinery put me on edge. but it's done now and we're starting to put our ping pong room back together. i hope my ping pong skills haven't gotten too rusty.

what else? i'm sure there's more, but this blog is too long anyway. and yes, i promise to write again. soon. maybe even now.

ch .. ch .. changes

it's been a while since my last post, and i apologize for that. alot's been going on in jackworld, and i finally have some good news to report ...

i got a new job! i'll be making the switch from small firm to big firm, general litigation to business litigation, and hopefully good lawyer to great lawyer. at least that's my goal. if you notice to your right, in my profile, i'm no longer a baby lawyer, and not even a teen lawyer, i'm a real live lawyer!

to celebrate, my wife and i went on a shopping spree of sorts. i tried on a $3000 suit, but bought a $200 instead. i may have a new job, but i'm still cheap!

green mind

in honor of live earth, and since most of you probably don't believe that my thumb suddenly turned green, here's proof of my octopus' garden:

here's our new and improved front yard.

i can't take credit for it all. but i do water it.

and i picked out, and even planted, these flowers.

and these too.

if you remember lots of blogs ago, this is what our back yard used to look like.

and, after a fall full of late nite sprinkling and tears, here's our new and improved back yard.

this blocks the view of the drain. at least sort of.

here's the deck where i grill and smoke my famous barbecue. those boxwoods are new.

and here's my newest garden which i planted, with the help of my stepmom, just a few weeks ago.

i taught myself how to grow old

i turned 29 a few weeks ago. 29. i'll be 30 in less than a year.

as if that wasn't enough to make me feel old, i had my 10 year high school reunion last weekend. it was strange to say the least. obviously, people were abuzz at how handsome and successful i had become. obviously.

my wife was out of town too. back in my wilder days, i might have gone to the casino, or maybe even the strip club. this weekend, though, i thought it would be fun to smoke a brisket and do work in the yard.

oh, and i tied up the old basketball shoes once again after an 8-month layoff. i took 2 shots my first game. both were rejected.

and yesterday, i ran into a big cement pole as i was backing out of my parking garage.

sky blue sky

wow, it's been a long time since my last post. sure, my basement flooded and all, but it only took three or four days for me to wet-vac and pull the carpets. so what i'm saying is that i don't really have an excuse for my lack of blogging activity. i do, however, have a lot of things to tell you about, a smorgasborg of posts if you will ...

i've all of a sudden gotten a green thumb. i got up the courage to ask the lady at the gardening store how deep to dig my holes, and i planted flowers all over my front yard. and even better than that, they haven't died yet. this weekend i planted perenials in the back. i have not, however, come out of the closet.

i've also lost 2 1/2 pounds on my new diet dr. pepper diet. under the diet, which i created, i switched from drinking a 44 oz dr. pepper in the morning plus various coca-cola and/or pepsi products in the afternoon to drinking just a 20 oz bottle of diet dr. pepper in the morning (with a banana) plus an occasional glass of diet dr. pepper with dinner. i may write a book on it.

oh, and during a recent haircut i had, my barber, a random great clips worker, told me that i looked like robin williams. then she asked me if i was funny like robin williams. doesn't she know how much i hate that? i'm still not speaking to a cousin of mine for making the same robin williams comparison. and it's been seven years.

home moanership

landscaping the front and back yard with trees, bushes, beds, etc with our tax refund ... $1,950.

ripping up the linoleum floor in the guest bathroom because the toilet is leaking and replacing it with tile ... $600.

fixing the gutters and/or installing a sump pump and drain tiles in the basement after the great flood of 2007 ... god only knows how much $$$.

home ownership ... priceless.

sick day

i stayed home sick today. i'm sick of being sick. chompers is sick of me being sick. i tried to work. but i don't know if my secretary will be able to understand my nasally, congested dictation. or, for that matter, if she'll be able to hear after listening to one of my ten thousand or so ear-shattering sneezes. i've slept so much i can't sleep. at least i've got a thin n' crispy pepperoni pizza coming and four entourage episodes to watch.

eurotrash jack

sorry it's been so long since my last post. we ARE back from europe. i didn't get us jailed and/or beaten by hooligans. and i think i'm finally back on central standard time. here are some pics to keep you entertained for a little while longer.

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=1Act2TJy3ZsXIg

jack mcdoer: cultural learnings of europe for make benefit glorious nation of usa

now that my jayhawks are out of the tournament, and i'm finally
over my jayhawks being out of the tournament, i can start focusing on other important things in my life, like buying pants with lots of pockets, learning everyday french phrases and packing my extra-large suitcase on wheels.

i don't know if i told you yet or not, but my wife and i are taking another mcdoer family vacation, and this time we're going abroad. yep, europe here we come. first we're going to london, then we're going to paris, then we're going to rome (assuming we find our way). planes, trains and chunnels.

oh yeah, and we leave in three days. i can't believe it's time already. i have bought a couple of pairs of pants already. our travel agent says europeans don't wear jeans. that can't be right, can it?

my wife is all worried that i'm going to be joe american and embarrass her and/or get us beaten by hooligans. i told her that just because i bought an american flag fannypack doesn't mean i'm not going to be sensitive to the cultural differences between myself and my european brothers and sisters.

i have also started learning some french. last nite, i picked up important phrases like "ou sont les toilettes?" (i.e., where is the toilet?), "est-ce que dans la chambre il y a des draps?" (i.e., "does the room come with bedsheets?"), "je voudrais un plat avec des saucisses" (i.e., "i want a dish containing sausage"), and "suis-je etat d'arrestation?" (i.e., "am i under arrest?"). i haven't gotten any italian down yet, but it's a long plane ride.

anyways, i'm pretty excited, as you can probably tell. i'm not even worried about the money anymore, although i'm still kinda mad that my wife insisted on bringing chompers along. do you know how much it costs to take a dog to europe these days?

i'm sure i'll have lots of european misadventures to blog about. but for now, i should probably start packing my suitcase. "bonsoir" (i.e., "good night").